Serious thoughts.

I've mentioned a few times that I travel for my job. That has been true for the past 11 years. This year, I'm officially cut-off from flying as of today, and I can't see myself going anywhere work-related for a long while. Maybe not even until 2008.

That's really weird for me. Really, really weird. As it is, in my whole life I've never had a year where I didn't fly at least once sometime between January-December. Ever. This year, I'm glad for my meeting in Washington DC on Feb 1 or else I'd be in peril of breaking that streak.

Since 2002 I've really traveled a lot. I average 18-22 trips a year, sometimes more. Each trip is usually 5-6 days long. It's become a part of who I am - my friends always ask me where I've been or where I'm going in the begining of any conversation. My suitcase is always next to the closet, usually open. Airport personnel recognize me (skycaps, airport lounge staff, and even occasionally flight attendants.) I have a bazillion frequent flyer miles. I feel important in my little, tiny world.

Right now, this week, one of my events (my favorite account, in fact) is taking place. I'm not there, for the first time in 5 years. I hand-picked someone to go in my place, and he's doing a great job. He's also getting along great with my clients (my client sent me a picture of co-worker this morning, hard at work) and is having a good time. I'm happy that it's going well and that the transition has been smooth.

I'm also kind of jealous.

Part of me wishes I were there. I don't necessarily miss the long hours or the travel. I don't miss my suitcase or bad room service food or early hours and late nights. I do miss the people - it probably doesn't help that, as I mentioned, this is my favorite account so it's making it seem that much worse. If it were a different group maybe I'd feel less bummed.

I think what it really is, is that I feel left out.

Right now the busy travel season has started up at work, and everyone is on the road quite a bit, and I'm here. I'm missing out on the comaraderie with coworkers, on the funny road stories, and being one of the "returning warriors" after a long successful trip. I miss it.

In a lot of ways, I've been very glad to hand off accounts and projects and responsibilities, because honestly, no one would have ever stepped up and taken some stuff off my plate if they didn't *have* to, so it has forced a lot of growth and change here at work, which is a wonderful thing. (Plus I've gotten to unload some of my crummier projects as well!) Eventually, when and if I do start to travel again, I will be able to be a lot choosier about what projects I'll do, stepping into more of a senior role on big or important accounts, and letting other, newer people take over a lot of what I've done in the past. It's a good thing overall.

Plus, it's changing for a good reason. It's not like I'm being forcibly removed from my position - I chose this and I'm very happy I did. I know that all of these feelings will go away when I'm fully occupied with taking care of my child, and that it won't seem as big a deal, then. I know that I'll still be important, only now it'll be in someone else's little, tiny world.

Still. I knew this first event would be tough for me. It's the first real, tangible thing that has changed as a result of my becoming a parent. Yes, I know. The first of many. It's just hard to be the one who is here, and not there. It's hard for me to talk to my coworker and hear him tell me how great it's going and how much he likes my clients (mine! I've worked 5 years on that relationship!) It's hard for me to say to him, "Tell everyone hi from me!" and know how hollow and silly that is, and how it's really a plea for them not to forget me. It's hard to admit that I can be replaced. (How selfish and arrogant does that sound? Ugh.)

It's hard to know that part of "who I am" for the past 11 years is gone, and will be replaced with a "who I am" that I don't even know yet.