Not a fun post ahead.
Things are going along in a rather crappy way, and have been for a long time. I've mentioned it to some of you, sometimes in a roundabout way, but for the most part I have no idea how to talk about this, including with friends in person. So it's almost entirely pent up inside, and I am starting to think that I just need to send up a little white flag.
Mr. Fro is suffering from depression and has been for a long time. Longer than I'd ever realized. For a long time I didn't recognize it as depression and then for a while I didn't want to believe that it was, you know, real Depression. But it is. It always has been. Going all the way back to. . . always.
He started seeing a therapist at the beginning of last year and I probably had the unrealistic expectation that he'd eventually be "all better". I've never dealt with the depths of depression before, and I'm almost ashamed to admit that I don't understand it and to a certain extend, can't understand it. Oh, I read books and articles and whatever info I could find and intellectually understand what's going on, but it's hard to translate that to every day life.
And for people who live with and love people with Depression, the extent of the advice I'd found was, "Be supportive. It's not their fault."
You know what? That little piece of advice doesn't tell me how to deal with the frustration and exhaustion and disappointment of day to day life. There's no therapy for me, no doctor for me to talk to and no medicine for me to take. I'm part of the fallout. I can't fix it. All I can do is watch and wait and hope and "be supportive."
I know it's not his fault but he's the only one who can do anything about it - if that means more or different therapy or medication or whatever. And I know - he's in a place where he doesn't think a solution is possible and therefore it's hard for him to do anything. As I said, intellectually, I know that. I know he's in a deep dark pit. I feel helpless and tired and angry and lost and alone. I know not to blame him, I blame the illness. But that line is so fine that it gets blurry so easily. And then I feel guilty for getting angry.
So. WHAT DO I DO?
I worry about how my kids are affected by this. It's the worst for them because they don't know why he doesn't want to play with them or why he's in such a foul mood. I can't leave them with him for very long. Parenting is not a shared thing here. I hate thinking about this so much that I can't even type any more about it. He's not abusive, we're not in physical danger - it's that he can't care. He can't stay awake. He can't find joy in them and that's unfathomable to me. My kids are so, so amazing.
It's not all bad all the time but things can go from okay to bad so quickly. It goes from a fun day out to getting home and him zoning out on the couch and being gone for the rest of the evening.
I work a full time job and am a full time at-home parent. I am the primary earner. I am the decision maker and morale officer and I keep things from falling apart, and I keep my kids happy. I can't fail, I can't break, I can't have an off day, I can't get sick. I can't even vent. If I vent or say anything negative about anything, he goes down into the dumper. I have to hope that Lauren doesn't tell him that we smooshed an ant in the TV room because that'll ruin the whole day.
I'm very lucky, I know. It's easy for me to be happy. I'm a happy person. If I get down in the dumps I can usually crank some music and dance around and feel better. Or go for a drive and sing really loudly and badly with whatever's on the radio and feel better. I can remind myself that I have it SO good and that always pulls me out. I know how lucky I am, and I guess, I'm so very thankful that at least I have me.
I have no idea if I really should post this. I just needed to let it all out.
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10 comments:
*hugs* You do sound like you're in a lot of pain, too. I hope that writing this helped; even re-reading it periodically or adding to it might help.
You said:
"No therapy for me. No doctor to talk to."
I think therapy for you or a doctor to talk to would definitely help. You might get more advice than "be supportive." Advice for you.
You are in my thoughts.
Puffy, thanks.
The last time I saw my doctor I told her about this and asked her if she had any recommendations. She gave me the names of two doctors.
It was a big step for me to ask, but things were particularly difficult at that time and I really only made the check up appointment to ask her about it.
I haven't done anything for two reasons. One, I am not sure what the advice will be because I already know I can't fix him. I kind of resent the idea of paying a $40 co pay to talk about a problem I can't fix.
And two - I don't know how I'd make an appointment with no one to watch the kids.
But, I have the two therapist's cards. We'll see.
Two very quick things, and then I'll have to come back later.
First, you should not be embarrassed or ashamed that you don't understand it. I think there are a lot of people in that same boat. I think when we initially hear about it or think about it, we think it's one thing and a lot of us do not realize exactly what it is.
Second, I agree with what Puffy said about getting it out. I know, first hand, after my rant yesterday how good that is for you. I realize that we are talking about two completely different issues here, but I think the process of just getting it out instead of letting it fester inside can be a big release, and a big help.
Oh Froody, sorry. It sucks when circumstances you can't control start having a major impact on your life. Don't worry if anger is part of the mix now and then. Anger is a good reset button sometimes, just as venting is.
I agree that a professional someone may have some coping strategies to offer that you might find helpful - and even worth the $40 co-pay.
*big hug*
Thanks, Boo and Swami. It actually helps to just know that someone knows about it now. Otherwise I have to keep the happy face on all the time and that gets tiring.
I posted something Over There back in 08 asking for advice on dealing with a friend with depression. I re-read it. I think it's sad (and telling) that after a full year + of therapy I could have written the exact same post today. I pretty much did, in this blog post.
I guess it's good in a way that I wrote that in 08 because I don't feel so crazy for thinking that nothing has changed or gotten better. It actually hasn't, it's not just my imagination or an unrealistic expectation.
(((Fro)))
I agree with Swami about the therapist may have some coping strageties for you to try.
Can a family member watch the kids? I can't remember if you have anyone close. Or (and I think this would be good for you and the kids in the long run) is there a day care (play hour) type place you could have them at for a couple hours every couple weeks? Or maybe even every week? they get some fun social time with kids their own age and Mom gets a couple hours of free time.
Are there any support groups ala Al-Anon that exist in your area. At least that would save you some bucks and you could go during those times when you could make child-care arrangements as opposed to getting dinged for cancellation fees from a doctor.
I'm sorry you are going through this.
{{{hugs}}}
*huge hugs* I'm so sad that you are still dealing with this.
I found the two counseling sessions I went to when Chris was in the depths of depression/anxiety really helped me. I felt like I was on such an island all alone, and the therapist was my life boat. It didn't "fix" his problem, but it helped me cope. I'm lucky in that therapy helped him. Things really hit rock bottom at home, and I think that snapped him into realizing he HAD to change or his world would be snatched from underneath him.
We still deal with the anxiety. Yesterday he had a meltdown about something really minor, where the only consequence was having to leave for work 10 minutes earlier the next day. It was hard not for me to get mad at his meltdown and call him out on the drama. I did my best to just say, "It's not a big deal and the consequence is minor. Let's go home."
He says it's hard not to get lost in his "negative self talk" in his head. I imagine Mr. Fro gets lost in that when he knows he should be a better father and husband.
I know my circumstance can't be apples to apples with yours. You have children. It's more complex and the demands on you are much higher.
*hands over a box of Kleenex* I know you need these. It's ok to scream about this being totally unfair. You AREN'T doing anything wrong. Your reactions are NORMAL.
If I had to give advice to you, it would be to take time alone to talk about this with him...for years. It will probably always be an issue. Fear of slipping, but hopefully it will be controllable in the future. Ask a few good questions and just let him talk. Allow for silence while he processes. There's a lot of overwhelming thoughts and feelings in his head and he probably can't make sense of them. After he's talked for awhile, ask him if there's certain situations or things you say that trigger him into a really bad state of mind. You can only then TRY to ammend those situations. Find a safe signal, as cheesy as it sounds.
Secondly, be firm with him that you cannot and will not continue to live with him like this, so he needs to keep working on it, whether it be with meds, therapy or whatnot. Different combinations/types work for different people. He MUST continue to try.
Finally, it's important HE figure out a way to talk to others (family, friends) about this. It CANNOT be on your shoulders alone to help him. Chris felt a big sigh of relief when his closest friend and his family knew what was going on.
But alas, your situation might be different. I just hope some nugget in here might have been useful. I maybe should've emailed this, but you never know when someone else might find it useful to hear that someone shares a problem. You have my email. Yell "help" anytime!
Kim, thank you.
Whenever I find out other people's experiences with this I'm taken aback a bit. It's because so much of it is so familiar I feel a sense of relief on the one hand because it's not just me, and on the other hand it reinforces that this is really going on (and that he's not going to snap out of it.)
I already knew he wouldn't snap out of it but I guess part of me still wants it to be that easy.
Anxiety is an issue here as well, and as you said, little things can cause a meltdown and I always have to remember that it's not the little thing that is the issue, it's all of the big things put together.
Everything you said makes so much sense. Like, smack upside the head kind of sense. He does need to share this with people other than me. And I do need to be the one to steer things in positive directions, since I'm the one who still can.
Oh Fro, I'm so sorry. It must be such a burden for you.
You got great advice here. I've never been in your situation so I don't have anything to add, but I want to say you are in thoughts and I'm sending you and your family lots of love.
{{{hugs}}}
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